The plans I have for you

My husband sent me a wall street journal article recently on anaesthesia and  how researchers suspect that among children under the age of 4 who have had repetitive surgeries, the anaesthesia can cause learning disabilities.  My first though was oh great, why did I have to see that article now, right before we start a string of repetitive surgeries?  You have read in my other blog posts my preferred approach is often attempting blissful ignorance. That never wins out -- God won't let me walk around with my eyes closed knocking into things for too long.  The whole time I was reading the article, I kept looking for the paragraph that said the research is unreliable and this is nothing to worry about. My heart sank when I got to the end of the article and I did not find the happy ending I was looking for.   Now I know we need to do our research before blindly subscribing to a path that will help one thing for Campbell but hurt another that may never be able to be fixed....sigh. So I was telling one of my top five besties about this article and how well maybe we could fix just the essential things he needs for eating solid foods and talking, and take care of the cosmetics / and structural after he is four. She laughs and says wow what a change from what you were saying nine months ago.  Yes, she was talking to the same girl that wanted to have in-utero cleft repair so he would come into the world "unflawed". God has a way of changing your vision, to see what He sees and to follow His plans not our own. Often the road is not easy and we don't just ease into it. 

There is a devotional I enjoy reading and recently the author gave an illustration that every morning her dog will walk around the fence and then slam himself into the gate just to check to see if it is open. She went on to talk about the fences God puts in our life for our own good. I think of this with myself and everytime I plead with God for a different outcome, I am kicking the fence to see if it will open ... rather than saying, "OK God, this is what you have given me, now give me the tools, the strength and your spirit to bring Glory to you in this situation."  O that I would be at peace with that!!

At the recent funeral of a sweet friend this verse Jeremiah 29:11 was read: "For I know the plans I have for you declares the Lord, plans to give you a hope and a future."  This verse was also the key verse for our in-town summer mission for the youth group at our church, where a faithful young man went to Glory in a tragic accident.  I have heard this verse so many other times recently. However it was not the first time I had heard it or even meditated on it.  Years ago working in NYC as a fashion designer, I felt like the Lord had sent me there as an exile ... a foreigner in a strange land I wanted desperately to get out of. In the times when I felt like I had nothing left in me and I could not take the scrappy city life anymore, I would read this verse and remember He had plans for me, for a hope and a future.  But how would I live in this place where I was an exile? If you pop up to Jeremiah 29:5, it talks about the Lord carrying you into exile and to make the best out of it: build houses, plant gardens, marry.  Basically the Lord has you in a place and you have to live in it and make the best of it until He carries you out.  With Campbell's cleft, I have chosen to accept God's perfect plan and live where He has placed me, not lament daily that my son has a facial deformity and wonder what the future holds for him.  In Proverbs it says do not boast about the future because you do not know what a day may bring forth.  Now I can only say, "I don't know."  I used to love to talk about the future, now all I can say is, "I don't know what the Lord has in store."

Standing in the visitation line at the funeral with some 250 plus people, the funeral director spotted Tim and me and came over to say hello.  It is a strange feeling to be known by a funeral director for no other reason than we have given him our business two times in the past four years.  It was also a strange feeling driving through the cemetery and knowing the twists, turns, trees and monuments.  As time goes on we have a choice to accept the reality of what the Lord planned for us or wallow in self pity.  God is working everything for good in all of these life events and carefully carrying out His Plan to give us a hope and a future and bring us back from captivity. 

There is another verse right before the delivering from captivity that says you will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.  So, when you find Him he will deliver you from captivity.  He is in the process of delivering me from a captivity in my mind, the captivity of self pity, wondering "why me, why all this?" ... because He has plans for me for a hope and a future and they are very good.