So after a very difficult four years ... years of prayer and struggle saying "ok, this is what you have for me ... I will deal with it." Then we found out we were having a baby with a cleft palate. NO, Lord don't send me ... not this. I need a break, I have enough tools in my ministry backpack.
This week a sweet friend of ours, who was literally the first friend we had in Charlotte other than my sister, went home to Glory after a two year battle with breast cancer. Selfishly I only want to hug her and say, "don't leave!" Even though, wow, after all that misery in battling the disease won't it be awesome for her: no more pain or suffering ... pure joy in the arms of Jesus. I look at my whole family this week with more adoring eyes, especially little Campbell. My hugs for them are tighter and my words are sweeter. We don't know what this day has in store so we have to listen very carefully for the Holy Spirit saying "love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self control -- practice these things."
So when Campbell blurps some of his 'cottage cheese' down my shirt for the fifteenth time in a day (seriously, the child has some amazing drool ... and this upchucking is something else), I have to remember my joy, my love, my thankfulness for him. When Campbell is crying to be held (and the boy has some pipes! Does the cleft come with a built-in amp?) and I am cooking hot food on the stove, Kirsten is pouting and pitching a fit about not being allowed to watch tv for hours on end and Kyle is at my heels complaining he does not like what I am cooking, I have to plea with the Holy Spirit who gives peace and patience and self control not to go flat-out loco.
The list is growing longer of "no, not me's" turning into me eating my words ... the Lord has been saying to me Kimberli you need to not say "no" ... If I choose this for you, you will do it.
Bottle feeding is a great case in point. I have always been a staunch advocate for breast feeding, Campbell tried for about two days, but because of the openness of the cleft through his nasal passages he has no suction. This is surely God's plan to give me patience: one of his feedings with his special compression-based bottles can take anywhere from half to an hour -- he seems to have a growing preference for the hour variety -- and since no one has invented a hands free bottle yet, I have to enjoy the moment ... or hour.
(I can give another example of my impatience: on the way to church on Sunday, I did not like that my coffee was coming out of the travel mug lid so slowly, so I took off the lid and ended up with coffee on my face, in my hair all down my dress and sweater. And I am supposed to be learning this lesson...hmmm.)
We went apple picking yesterday and it was our first excursion out besides school and church stuff. As I was setting up a picture in the apple orchard with all three children, a little boy pointed and yelled to his mom, "hey mom, look at that baby's face!" The mom hissed 'don't stare' and pulled the boy away, then I heard the mom say again, "don't stare." As we finished our pictures and walked on, another mom gave the "oh, that poor dear" look. I have gotten so used to (spoiled by!) the love and acceptance of our covenant family at church and school that this totally took me off guard and tears started to come. But then I thought don't give in to the pity, there is nothing wrong with this sweet little gift from God. Campbell is made to reflect the Glory of God, just like everyone else.
When we first found out Campbell had a cleft lip and I heard about a specialist in France that does repairs while the baby is still in the belly, I thought well, that is the answer (my impatience kicking in). Then after our first consult with Dr. Matthews I quickly realized that was not the answer, and I thought waiting 6 months was way too long and couldn't we do the lip sooner....
When Dr. Matthews told us last week he may do the lip in November, I thought really, is that not just a little too soon? This is my precious boy! Maybe God is making me more patient, or just altering my perspective, or maybe some of both. In any case, trusting in His plan is the key. Trusting that each and every day, every task, every hardship, every loss ... God has a grand plan far bigger than us.
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