The Defense

Standing on the stage at church, holding Campbell, my arms aching because he is now 16 pounds and I wanted  to hold him forward so all the covenant family who has been praying for him could see God's goodness through the sweet face of Campbell. I feel so much love and so little judgement in our Christ Covenant church family and CDS school community ... and I am so, so thankful for that.  As I stood there waiting for his turn to be baptised, I tried everything I could to hold it together and not break down in tears in front of the entire church.  I looked out at the Body of Christ and saw smiles and waves from the dearest family and friends.  Early on Tim had mentioned baptism for Campbell and the thought of standing in front of over 1,000 people with a baby that had a facial deformity (the PC term is facial difference, but we know I am not PC) was mortifying.  I thought. "well, we will just baptise him after he is all fixed up." But as I have said before, God has a way of changing my mind and my heart to work in harmony with His plans.  Because of God's plans for us and Campbell, there we stood on the stage before any surgery has taken place.

Thankfulness welled up that because Christ died and rose, we could make a covenant with God concerning Campbell, and that in faith we will raise Campbell for God's Glory and he will accomplish God plans for his life through the power of the Holy Spirit.  I googled famous people with cleft palates and wow there are many who have done amazing things in the sciences, mathematics, politics, social causes, medicine and even entertainment.  It seems what they lack in facial structure they make up for in brain power and tenacity.  I have no doubt Campbell will be the same way: he turned 5 months yesterday and that little power ball is already standing up and walking forward in the walker (for about three weeks now).  When I texted Tim to tell him about our little over achiever, He texted back "Ruh Roh!"  Yes, we are in for it.  We never baby proofed with the first two, but I think we have a weekend project in our near future.

The details of the upcoming surgeries are still unknown, but God in His grace and mercy continues to send us little reminders of His control.  Reminders also that I don't need to shelter CJ from the world because God has a plan.  Last week we were having our regular Friday night pizza (not me: I had a salad since I have gone grain-free). Since the baby was born we have been having pizza night at home, but I had a little cabin fever so we decided to go to Tim's favorite and our old Friday night institution, Mellow Mushroom. I have a new bad habit of scanning the room and looking in baby carriages for people or babies who have had cleft palates ... I have not quite figured out why yet.  We were seated and I did not see any. Campbell does not like the car seat but is enthralled with the jumper, so he was standing on my lap jumping.  Two tables away I noticed a family sit down ... sweet family: girl, boy, mom, dad and grandma, nothing unusual. But, I did notice the mom looking at CJ ... the type of moment when you catch their glance and you both look away. A little while past eating my salad, I had to bring Kyle to the bathroom and I look up and that sweet mom was standing next to me.  She came over to tell me that her son had had a cleft lip.  I could not tell from  two tables over.  We talked about surgery and some different concerns I had.  I gave her my info and she so kindly e-mailed me. I felt like this interaction was a little gift from God to ease some of my woes.  They had different doctors, and I thought about our discussion about the doctors a few times that week.   Putting away my inclination to keep CJ from being seen and allowing him to stand and jump like he loves to do opened the way for God to bless me ... and He did.

We ventured out again today and I thought it would be easier to manage the older two if I was wearing Campbell in the wrap. I needed to stay on top of them so my kind friend who was with us didn't have to chase the kids around the pumpkin patch on her own (which she ended up doing anyway).   For the first time I wore him facing out because I know he loves to look around and kick those little legs.  This was also a challenge because I knew he was in plain view for the world to see. But God has been working on me in this area.  I opted out of the hayride with CJ, not wanting to cause him shaken baby syndrome.  My wonderful friend took K&K on the hayride as I waited in line to pay for the pumpkins.  I found myself standing there thinking "I am in line ... why is this man sort of loitering around, not really in line?"  I fought the New Yorker in me and did not ask him if he was in line or if he was going to move up, because he was cooing and talking to Campbell. Then he looks up at me and asks, "so, is Dr. Matthews going to do his surgery?" With surprise in my voice I said yes, and he brought over his 8 year old son ... who had a cleft lip that was fixed by Dr Matthews at 7 months old. His son looked *great* and some of the concerns I had about lip shape and a few other things were all laid to rest. 

Many years ago someone counseled me that trying to alleviate other peoples' problems sometimes is getting in the way of the struggle God wants them to have for their own good and for God to bless them in their struggle.  I have been trying to cover up Campbell and keep him away from the world, but that has also been closing both of us off from the opportunities to see God's blessing and work through others.

My dad used to tell me when I was little and got a cut not to put a band-aid on it because it would heal quicker if it could breathe.  Healing will happen ... breathing in all God has for us, instead of trying to put a band-aid over the situation.  Thanks be to God for being so much bigger than the roadblocks my self defense puts in the way of His work.