Be Merciful to Me

As I am making the lunches at 9:00 at night for school the next day and mildly grumbling about the fact that making lunches is not on my list of favorite things to do, Tim says, "what part of being a stay at home mom  is good for you? You need to be thankful." I quickly retort with, "I always told you it was easier for me to work ... I am good at work and I don't consider myself particularly good at keeping house."  But I am not choosing what is easiest for me.  Tim goes back up to finish the children's bed time routine and I glance over at the scripture cards sitting right next to the toaster oven.  There is Psalm 51:12: "restore to me the joy of your salvation, and grant me a willing spirit to sustain me."   I thought, "I need thankfulness ... yes, but I also need thee, joy of my first love, and a willing spirit to sustain me." 

In the first days and weeks Campbell was in this world my prayers consisted of Help, Have Mercy, and Why Lord?  Over time the Lord has given me the answers "Kimberli, I am giving you help, I am giving you mercy and this is why and how ... You have been crucified with Christ. The life you live in the body, you live by faith in Me, the Son of God who gave himself up for you."  (Galatians 2:20)

Over the past ten years, I deemed myself an underperforming perfectionist. Where do those standards come from?  How we were raised, who we are around, who we are influenced by?  I could never meet my own expectations for perfection. Tim says it is because my standards are unattainable and not gracious to myself (or, too often, others).  Only when our creator sets the standards are they obtainable.

But the Galatians verse has it: dying to myself so Christ can live in me, to be used for God's purposes. This means dying to my desires for my idea of perfect - perfect baby, perfect children, perfect house and blah blah blah. 

Campbell cruised through every one of the pediatrician's milestones with flying colors except for one ... when he looks in the mirror does he smile and coo at his reflection?  No, not at all.  When I hold him up to the mirror, I talk to him and smile and laugh.  He does nothing but stare with a confused look (of shock?) on his face.  All I can think is he does not recognize himself.  He looks at all of us all day, his sister and brother, other babies in the church nursery ... Campbell thinks he looks like everyone else, but when he sees his reflection he does not understand it.  The other day when we looked and he stared and stared until I thought he was going to burst into tears, I told him how handsome he is.  And as we walked away, I said "don't worry we will get you all fixed up." 

Are we all a little like Campbell, horrified when we look in the mirror and see who we really are? And do we need God to do radical surgery on us so we can look in the mirror and see the beauty we were meant to exude? Our creator holds us and says "you are wonderful .. and don't worry, we will get you all fixed up."  It is going to be long, painful and hard, it will take up a lot of time when you are young, but after all is said and done you won't even remember that person in the mirror (perhaps only an occasional glimpse of the past ).  His plan is that perfection my heart seeks.