The Defense

Standing on the stage at church, holding Campbell, my arms aching because he is now 16 pounds and I wanted  to hold him forward so all the covenant family who has been praying for him could see God's goodness through the sweet face of Campbell. I feel so much love and so little judgement in our Christ Covenant church family and CDS school community ... and I am so, so thankful for that.  As I stood there waiting for his turn to be baptised, I tried everything I could to hold it together and not break down in tears in front of the entire church.  I looked out at the Body of Christ and saw smiles and waves from the dearest family and friends.  Early on Tim had mentioned baptism for Campbell and the thought of standing in front of over 1,000 people with a baby that had a facial deformity (the PC term is facial difference, but we know I am not PC) was mortifying.  I thought. "well, we will just baptise him after he is all fixed up." But as I have said before, God has a way of changing my mind and my heart to work in harmony with His plans.  Because of God's plans for us and Campbell, there we stood on the stage before any surgery has taken place.

Thankfulness welled up that because Christ died and rose, we could make a covenant with God concerning Campbell, and that in faith we will raise Campbell for God's Glory and he will accomplish God plans for his life through the power of the Holy Spirit.  I googled famous people with cleft palates and wow there are many who have done amazing things in the sciences, mathematics, politics, social causes, medicine and even entertainment.  It seems what they lack in facial structure they make up for in brain power and tenacity.  I have no doubt Campbell will be the same way: he turned 5 months yesterday and that little power ball is already standing up and walking forward in the walker (for about three weeks now).  When I texted Tim to tell him about our little over achiever, He texted back "Ruh Roh!"  Yes, we are in for it.  We never baby proofed with the first two, but I think we have a weekend project in our near future.

The details of the upcoming surgeries are still unknown, but God in His grace and mercy continues to send us little reminders of His control.  Reminders also that I don't need to shelter CJ from the world because God has a plan.  Last week we were having our regular Friday night pizza (not me: I had a salad since I have gone grain-free). Since the baby was born we have been having pizza night at home, but I had a little cabin fever so we decided to go to Tim's favorite and our old Friday night institution, Mellow Mushroom. I have a new bad habit of scanning the room and looking in baby carriages for people or babies who have had cleft palates ... I have not quite figured out why yet.  We were seated and I did not see any. Campbell does not like the car seat but is enthralled with the jumper, so he was standing on my lap jumping.  Two tables away I noticed a family sit down ... sweet family: girl, boy, mom, dad and grandma, nothing unusual. But, I did notice the mom looking at CJ ... the type of moment when you catch their glance and you both look away. A little while past eating my salad, I had to bring Kyle to the bathroom and I look up and that sweet mom was standing next to me.  She came over to tell me that her son had had a cleft lip.  I could not tell from  two tables over.  We talked about surgery and some different concerns I had.  I gave her my info and she so kindly e-mailed me. I felt like this interaction was a little gift from God to ease some of my woes.  They had different doctors, and I thought about our discussion about the doctors a few times that week.   Putting away my inclination to keep CJ from being seen and allowing him to stand and jump like he loves to do opened the way for God to bless me ... and He did.

We ventured out again today and I thought it would be easier to manage the older two if I was wearing Campbell in the wrap. I needed to stay on top of them so my kind friend who was with us didn't have to chase the kids around the pumpkin patch on her own (which she ended up doing anyway).   For the first time I wore him facing out because I know he loves to look around and kick those little legs.  This was also a challenge because I knew he was in plain view for the world to see. But God has been working on me in this area.  I opted out of the hayride with CJ, not wanting to cause him shaken baby syndrome.  My wonderful friend took K&K on the hayride as I waited in line to pay for the pumpkins.  I found myself standing there thinking "I am in line ... why is this man sort of loitering around, not really in line?"  I fought the New Yorker in me and did not ask him if he was in line or if he was going to move up, because he was cooing and talking to Campbell. Then he looks up at me and asks, "so, is Dr. Matthews going to do his surgery?" With surprise in my voice I said yes, and he brought over his 8 year old son ... who had a cleft lip that was fixed by Dr Matthews at 7 months old. His son looked *great* and some of the concerns I had about lip shape and a few other things were all laid to rest. 

Many years ago someone counseled me that trying to alleviate other peoples' problems sometimes is getting in the way of the struggle God wants them to have for their own good and for God to bless them in their struggle.  I have been trying to cover up Campbell and keep him away from the world, but that has also been closing both of us off from the opportunities to see God's blessing and work through others.

My dad used to tell me when I was little and got a cut not to put a band-aid on it because it would heal quicker if it could breathe.  Healing will happen ... breathing in all God has for us, instead of trying to put a band-aid over the situation.  Thanks be to God for being so much bigger than the roadblocks my self defense puts in the way of His work.

The plans I have for you

My husband sent me a wall street journal article recently on anaesthesia and  how researchers suspect that among children under the age of 4 who have had repetitive surgeries, the anaesthesia can cause learning disabilities.  My first though was oh great, why did I have to see that article now, right before we start a string of repetitive surgeries?  You have read in my other blog posts my preferred approach is often attempting blissful ignorance. That never wins out -- God won't let me walk around with my eyes closed knocking into things for too long.  The whole time I was reading the article, I kept looking for the paragraph that said the research is unreliable and this is nothing to worry about. My heart sank when I got to the end of the article and I did not find the happy ending I was looking for.   Now I know we need to do our research before blindly subscribing to a path that will help one thing for Campbell but hurt another that may never be able to be fixed....sigh. So I was telling one of my top five besties about this article and how well maybe we could fix just the essential things he needs for eating solid foods and talking, and take care of the cosmetics / and structural after he is four. She laughs and says wow what a change from what you were saying nine months ago.  Yes, she was talking to the same girl that wanted to have in-utero cleft repair so he would come into the world "unflawed". God has a way of changing your vision, to see what He sees and to follow His plans not our own. Often the road is not easy and we don't just ease into it. 

There is a devotional I enjoy reading and recently the author gave an illustration that every morning her dog will walk around the fence and then slam himself into the gate just to check to see if it is open. She went on to talk about the fences God puts in our life for our own good. I think of this with myself and everytime I plead with God for a different outcome, I am kicking the fence to see if it will open ... rather than saying, "OK God, this is what you have given me, now give me the tools, the strength and your spirit to bring Glory to you in this situation."  O that I would be at peace with that!!

At the recent funeral of a sweet friend this verse Jeremiah 29:11 was read: "For I know the plans I have for you declares the Lord, plans to give you a hope and a future."  This verse was also the key verse for our in-town summer mission for the youth group at our church, where a faithful young man went to Glory in a tragic accident.  I have heard this verse so many other times recently. However it was not the first time I had heard it or even meditated on it.  Years ago working in NYC as a fashion designer, I felt like the Lord had sent me there as an exile ... a foreigner in a strange land I wanted desperately to get out of. In the times when I felt like I had nothing left in me and I could not take the scrappy city life anymore, I would read this verse and remember He had plans for me, for a hope and a future.  But how would I live in this place where I was an exile? If you pop up to Jeremiah 29:5, it talks about the Lord carrying you into exile and to make the best out of it: build houses, plant gardens, marry.  Basically the Lord has you in a place and you have to live in it and make the best of it until He carries you out.  With Campbell's cleft, I have chosen to accept God's perfect plan and live where He has placed me, not lament daily that my son has a facial deformity and wonder what the future holds for him.  In Proverbs it says do not boast about the future because you do not know what a day may bring forth.  Now I can only say, "I don't know."  I used to love to talk about the future, now all I can say is, "I don't know what the Lord has in store."

Standing in the visitation line at the funeral with some 250 plus people, the funeral director spotted Tim and me and came over to say hello.  It is a strange feeling to be known by a funeral director for no other reason than we have given him our business two times in the past four years.  It was also a strange feeling driving through the cemetery and knowing the twists, turns, trees and monuments.  As time goes on we have a choice to accept the reality of what the Lord planned for us or wallow in self pity.  God is working everything for good in all of these life events and carefully carrying out His Plan to give us a hope and a future and bring us back from captivity. 

There is another verse right before the delivering from captivity that says you will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.  So, when you find Him he will deliver you from captivity.  He is in the process of delivering me from a captivity in my mind, the captivity of self pity, wondering "why me, why all this?" ... because He has plans for me for a hope and a future and they are very good.

Be Merciful to Me

As I am making the lunches at 9:00 at night for school the next day and mildly grumbling about the fact that making lunches is not on my list of favorite things to do, Tim says, "what part of being a stay at home mom  is good for you? You need to be thankful." I quickly retort with, "I always told you it was easier for me to work ... I am good at work and I don't consider myself particularly good at keeping house."  But I am not choosing what is easiest for me.  Tim goes back up to finish the children's bed time routine and I glance over at the scripture cards sitting right next to the toaster oven.  There is Psalm 51:12: "restore to me the joy of your salvation, and grant me a willing spirit to sustain me."   I thought, "I need thankfulness ... yes, but I also need thee, joy of my first love, and a willing spirit to sustain me." 

In the first days and weeks Campbell was in this world my prayers consisted of Help, Have Mercy, and Why Lord?  Over time the Lord has given me the answers "Kimberli, I am giving you help, I am giving you mercy and this is why and how ... You have been crucified with Christ. The life you live in the body, you live by faith in Me, the Son of God who gave himself up for you."  (Galatians 2:20)

Over the past ten years, I deemed myself an underperforming perfectionist. Where do those standards come from?  How we were raised, who we are around, who we are influenced by?  I could never meet my own expectations for perfection. Tim says it is because my standards are unattainable and not gracious to myself (or, too often, others).  Only when our creator sets the standards are they obtainable.

But the Galatians verse has it: dying to myself so Christ can live in me, to be used for God's purposes. This means dying to my desires for my idea of perfect - perfect baby, perfect children, perfect house and blah blah blah. 

Campbell cruised through every one of the pediatrician's milestones with flying colors except for one ... when he looks in the mirror does he smile and coo at his reflection?  No, not at all.  When I hold him up to the mirror, I talk to him and smile and laugh.  He does nothing but stare with a confused look (of shock?) on his face.  All I can think is he does not recognize himself.  He looks at all of us all day, his sister and brother, other babies in the church nursery ... Campbell thinks he looks like everyone else, but when he sees his reflection he does not understand it.  The other day when we looked and he stared and stared until I thought he was going to burst into tears, I told him how handsome he is.  And as we walked away, I said "don't worry we will get you all fixed up." 

Are we all a little like Campbell, horrified when we look in the mirror and see who we really are? And do we need God to do radical surgery on us so we can look in the mirror and see the beauty we were meant to exude? Our creator holds us and says "you are wonderful .. and don't worry, we will get you all fixed up."  It is going to be long, painful and hard, it will take up a lot of time when you are young, but after all is said and done you won't even remember that person in the mirror (perhaps only an occasional glimpse of the past ).  His plan is that perfection my heart seeks.

Don't Send Me!

Since my earliest days as a believer in Christ, I always thought I could be a missionary in Africa or some third-world, hinterland type of country.  Or that I could take on the hardest things in the name of Christ.   I used to think and pray (like Nehemiah and David), "Lord send ME, pick me to carry out your purposes...I can sell everything and move to the jungle."  Now I realize the sending is not just off to some place, the sending starts in our own hearts and lives here and now. 

So after a very difficult four years ... years of prayer and struggle saying "ok, this is what you have for me ... I will deal with it."  Then we found out we were having a baby with a cleft palate. NO, Lord don't send me ... not this.  I need a break, I have enough tools in my ministry backpack.

This week a sweet friend of ours, who was literally the first friend we had in Charlotte other than my sister,  went home to Glory after a two year battle with breast cancer.  Selfishly I only want to hug her and say, "don't leave!"  Even though, wow, after all that misery in battling the disease won't it be awesome for her: no more pain or suffering ... pure joy in the arms of Jesus.  I look at my whole family this week with more adoring eyes, especially little Campbell.  My hugs for them are tighter and my words are sweeter.  We don't know what this day has in store so we have to listen very carefully for the Holy Spirit saying "love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self control -- practice these things." 

So when Campbell blurps some of his 'cottage cheese' down my shirt for the fifteenth time in a day (seriously, the child has some amazing drool ... and this upchucking is something else), I have to remember my joy, my love, my thankfulness for him.  When Campbell is crying to be held (and the boy has some pipes! Does the cleft come with a built-in amp?) and I am cooking hot food on the stove, Kirsten is pouting and pitching a fit about not being allowed to watch tv for hours on end and Kyle is at my heels complaining he does not like what I am cooking, I have to plea with the Holy Spirit who gives peace and patience and self control not to go flat-out loco.

The list is growing longer of "no, not me's" turning into me eating my words ... the Lord has been saying to me Kimberli you need to not say "no" ... If I choose this for you, you will do it.  

Bottle feeding is a great case in point. I have always been a staunch advocate for breast feeding,  Campbell tried  for about two days, but because of the openness of the cleft through his nasal passages he has no suction. This is surely God's plan to give me patience:  one of his feedings with his special compression-based bottles can take anywhere from half to an hour -- he seems to have a growing preference for the hour variety -- and since no one has invented a hands free bottle yet, I have to enjoy the moment ... or hour. 

(I can give another example of my impatience: on the way to church on Sunday, I did not like that my coffee was coming out of the travel mug lid so slowly, so I took off the lid and ended up with coffee on my face,  in my hair all down my dress and sweater.  And I am supposed to be learning this lesson...hmmm.)  

We went apple picking yesterday and it was our first excursion out besides school and church stuff. As I was setting up a picture in the apple orchard with all three children, a little boy pointed and yelled to his mom, "hey mom, look at that baby's face!"  The mom hissed 'don't stare' and pulled the boy away, then I heard the mom say again, "don't stare."  As we finished our pictures and walked on, another mom gave the "oh, that poor dear" look.  I have gotten so used to (spoiled by!) the love and acceptance of our covenant family at church and school that this totally took me off guard and tears started to come.  But then I thought don't give in to the pity, there is nothing wrong with this sweet little gift from God.  Campbell is made to reflect the Glory of God, just like everyone else.

When we first found out Campbell had a cleft lip and I heard about a specialist in France that does repairs while the baby is still in the belly, I thought well, that is the answer (my impatience kicking in). Then after our first consult with Dr. Matthews I quickly realized that was not the answer, and I thought waiting 6 months was way too long and couldn't we do the lip sooner....

When Dr. Matthews told us last week he may do the lip in November, I thought really, is that not just a little too soon?  This is my precious boy!  Maybe God is making me more patient, or just altering my perspective, or maybe some of both.  In any case, trusting in His plan is the key. Trusting that each and every day, every task, every hardship, every loss ... God has a grand plan far bigger than us.