Unwrapping Campbell

     When you are leisurely thumbing through a magazine seeking some relaxation, are you stopped dead in your tracks by one of those Smile Train adverts? Do you stop and stare at it like a good car accident? Or do you flip past as quickly as you can; incensed that they dare interrupt your escape with the brokenness of this world.  I fell into the category of the latter, terrified of cleft palates.  I thought they were one of the most vile forms of deformities. If I came across one of those ads I would close the magazine grumbling under my breath of how thoughtless the publisher could be to sell ad space like that or allow those sorts of pictures.  The nerve of them, maybe I would donate to your cause but you don't have to show me those awful pictures.  God has a funny way of hitting you right between the eyes with those things you are so afraid of you won't even give them a thought.

     Tim and I were so excited for our third child and then, without warning, that precious one we would name Calvin passed into Glory after a short 17 weeks in utero.  Three months later I was pregnant again and I felt like it was the Lord's reward for the suffering that went with losing Calvin.  We prayed diligently and had our church family (as well as every believer we knew) praying with us for this baby to live and be healthy and strong.  Even with all the prayer, I still struggled with my thoughts of this baby passing into Glory too.

     As the twenty week ultrasound rolled around, I was still unsettled and Tim as always seemed cool as a cucumber, the reassuring rock.  The ultrasound was long and the technician was very silent, all except a comment of "I just can't get a good view of his face." After many tries she brought the doctor in to try.  We had already seen healthy organs, brain and spinal cord. I did not understand. Then they all went out to "do something" ... and came back with the geneticist. The world stopped spinning for me in that moment they told us our son most likely had a cleft lip and since they could not get a good view, they were not sure how severe it was or if it involved the palate. The tears did not stop for the next six months.  I immediately started to pray for the Lord to do a miracle and heal the baby before his due date.  Questions plagued me: haven't I been through enough for God to use me? does He really have to give me a baby with birth defect too? Moreover, a defect that was on my top five list of  I never want a baby with these problems, it is just too much for me to handle.

For the next six months I cried alone everyday, not wanting my friends and family to worry. I felt detached from this baby I was suppose to love.  I did not know if I could love him.  I was preparing to cover him up everywhere we went.  Baby shopping with a sweet friend, I was looking for stroller covers. She reminded me it would be the summertime in Charlotte and I thought then I just won't bring him out.  The months passed and my feelings did not change. As we got more  ultrasound pictures showing the cleft, I became more saddened and more desparate for the Lord to heal this baby.

On May 16, 2011 the Lord answered our prayers with a very healthy and very strong baby.  The cleft running through his lip and palete were larger than we had hoped. Now when I look back on the first pictures, I can see the pain on my face and the saddness.  Four months later I am so thankful to the Lord for this little firecracker.  I have gotten used to the cleft and his wide gappy grin.  I love that gap and I love that baby.  The Lord has also provided healing for me. I look back on how I felt and all the tears I shed and I am thankful I am not in that place now.  I can now enjoy all the wonderment of being Campbell's mommy.

Four months into this journey, Campbell does not have a birth defect: to us he is birth perfect.  Every good and perfect gift comes from above.  We thank God for him exactly how he is, beautiful.