Joy comes in the morning

     "Sorrow will last for a night but joy comes in the morning."  -- ancient Hebrew proverb

In the morning when I hear the cries coming from Campbell's room, I am thankful for the cry, because he is crying and the specter of SIDS is put away for another day.  But at the same time I am exhausted from being up multiple times a night ... if I could just get five more minutes.... 

This is not all Campbell's fault however, or even the fault of the other two who pitter patter down the hall in the middle of the night talking about bad dreams or bugs imagined in the bed (no we don't have bed bugs ... I wonder what Kyle will think we he learns there is such a thing!).  I have an obsession about checking on Campbell.

Whether in the middle of the night or at nap time, I have to look in on that boy.  Is he breathing?  Trusting God that Campbell is in His hands is a huge challenge for me. I know in my head and in my heart that when God wants Campbell in Glory, He will take him.  I also know now that He would somehow give me the strength and courage to handle it as well as use the experience for good, because that is what God does.  One of those truths you wish was for someone else, but once it is yours you understand that it is good.  Every time I put him down in the crib, I put my hands on him and pray for his protection, that God would charge his angels concerning Campbell's safety and most of all that he will not succumb to SIDS.  I even plead with the Lord, "God I know I just have to trust you...." 

[Wait, I have to stop and run up and check on him now.  Ok, sorry, I am back....to quote Forest Gump, "Crazy is as Crazy does."]  

I even bought one of those motion sensor monitors (the ones the pediatricians say are a waste of money), so I would not have to run up the stairs every ten minutes.  But the silly thing is going back to the store; good thing I saved the box.  One night while feeding Campbell I forgot to turn it off when I pulled him out of the crib and the alarm that can instill pure panic did not even go off!  The ceiling fan, of all things, was causing just  enough movement on the mattress to keep the alarm from sounding...ugggh. 

Do you think God is telling me something?  Asking me to surrender my fear, trust Him rather than expensive little machines (that do not work anyway).  You were right honey: just a waste of money that did not bring me peace.  God and Tim are so patient with me they let me chase my tail in a circle like a little puppy until I am so exhausted I pass out.  Then surrender. Break this pattern in me, Oh Lord.



I can pinpoint the starting point of my fear very easily.  That providential night four years ago when the Lord took my sister Kari home so suddenly.  She was 35, staying overnight with us while attending a church women's conference.  I was restlessly sleeping in the room across the hall from her. I was up about five or six times that night and every time I woke I prayed for Kari's protection and healing from her seizures.  She had her alarm set for early that morning because she and her BFF Lydia were going off to the conference.  I got up early to make one of her favorite breakfasts: biscuits, and all the trimmings.  When she didn't come down I thought, "goodness she must be in the shower, her alarm keeps going off."  When I finally decided to go in to tell her about the biscuits, her body was still there in its sleep, lifeless, but SHE was in Glory with Jesus, the lover of her soul. 

God did answer my prayer for her that night -- he healed her and he protected her -- but it just wasn't at all in the way I had wanted.  I am a little more specific now when I pray....When Tim goes on a trip and I don't just pray for the Lord to bring him home safely.  I pray the Lord would bring him home to our house in Charlotte safely.  I know the Lord has a  better plan, so much bigger than my life or what I want and pray.  I do pray that my prayers would be in line with His plan. 

[Oh yes I did ... I just ran up and checked on Campbell one more time in the last paragraph!]



I was telling a sweet friend today a story of when Kirsten was around two just after Kari had gone to her eternal rest.  Kirsten was not feeling well and napping, I was overcome by fear that the Lord would take her too, crying in my bed, praying and waiting for her to wake up.  Then I heard the whisper of the Lord say to me Kimberli, I am not going to take her from you now, I have given her to you for your sanctification.  I thought, well yes Lord she is a very spirited child (and she does keep me on my knees, still to this day).  I know this is true for Campbell as well.  Kyle was born 6 months after Kari passed and he would be what some people call a rainbow baby, always offering hope and promise.  I have two that keep me on my knees and one that caused me to remember Gods love for me and good promises.

God commands us to "be strong and courageous, do not be terrified or discouraged. God will be with you wherever you go."  I need to whisper this to myself in those weak moments of distrust.   And there, there is that hoped-for cry,  just as I am finishing the blog. Why do I distrust?


                                                                              

Just home from the hospital, and Daddy is comfy (but tired!)

Game Day ... Denard crushes the Irish again ... and I can match him smile for smile.  GO BLUE!!    

                                                                        4 months old now !!!