DeNILE ain't just a river in Egypt

I have been living in the land of denial with my sweet son Campbell, but I know as an exile in a foreign land the Lord does not want me there.  Did you ever have something in your life where you knew better but nonetheless thought, "if I ignore it or act like everything is ok, than maybe it will be ok?" Or, in a room full of people there is an bull smashing all the china ... no one is saying anything and you're just smiling with the dust pan and broom in your hands. Maybe if someone just opened the subject of getting the bull out of the room, before all was lost, there might be a chance.

So many people have asked me why I started this blog, what was the catalyst.  Simple really: to find a way to get the bull out of the room.  I have always looked at hardship and trials through the lens of a scripture that says "The God of all comfort, comforts you so you can in taurn comfort others, with the comfort you received."  In this particular trial I have been so closed, I could not get the words out to give or receive comfort. This time I could not package my trial with a pretty bow and convince myself of God's goodness in this situation.   So I chose to say nothing at all nod and smile or just say good, good, yup everything is good ... at the same time hiding Campbell.  God spoke to my heart and told me to share what I was going through, so it would not be rot to my soul and at the same time would be a comfort to others.  The Holy Spirit prompted me to share through the written word, because the spoken word was too hard, I just could not bring myself to talk openly about the struggle.

We have been in the honeymoon and I have chosen up until this point to remain blissfully ignorant about what is to come. Until this week I have stayed away from cleft palate web sites, support groups and foundation resources, choosing to ignore the challenges ahead.  Just this week I have read about foundations, camps, conventions, scholarships, schools and on and on, all for children with (the politically correct term) a cranial facial difference.  It never came to my attention that CJ would need a special camp, school, scholarship or foundation.  It never occurred to me that we could have surgical complications, that require more surgery.  Oh FYI cranial facial difference awareness month is July, I guess I am a few months late on my awareness this year.  A whole new world is opening up to me ... do we embrace this new world, or do we try our best to act like and treat him like every other kid that does not have a "facial difference."   I guess it falls into the category my Grammy Margaret always touted but rarely followed: everything in moderation, so maybe a little of both.

I have heard a few people say that when God builds you into a spiritual house for His purposes, He wants the keys to every room ... even the dark closet in the basement.  I literally have a room in my house I call the Room of Shame; it is where I stick all those things I don't know where to put until I can deal with it, it is the room I lock up when guests are coming over.  Isn't it funny how life imitates heart?

First, I need to let God into this room to clean it up and make it presentable, then I can show off His great plans through this process, I know He is at work.  Every day we have a choice let God reign, take charge and lead us a guide us in what He has for us and our family. Or we can try go it alone making choices that may or may not turn out well, because without God in control my motivations are me-centric ... and that has never turned out well.  

So where are we now? Campbell had two doctor appointments this week, one with the renowned cranial facial surgeon, and the other the four month check-up with the pediatrician.  Both appointments went very well.  He is growing better than expected for a cleft palate baby and is healthier than most.  The Lord has been good to us in shielding Campbell from the frustrations of fever and ear infection (because of which 80% of cleft palate babies have to have ear tubes before six months old).  Dr. Matthews (the surgeon) would say the grain free diet of mommy is a large contributing factor.  When I questioned him on this he basically said clean eating=healthy milk= healthy baby. 

We had confirmation that the first of Campbell's surgeries will be in November, as Dr. Matthews says every cleft is different and it does seem like Campbell's scheduled surgeries will be in a different order than other cleft babies we have heard about.  The soft palate will be closed first, then the lip to promote muscle growth and formation, this will be a temporary lip closure for the purpose of the muscle.  After the first surgeries we will attempt to start him on solid foods.  Our other two did not start solids until 6 months anyway.   He is doing great with the mama milk so the doctor said let's leave well enough alone.

Many years ago, probably 17 or so my sister Kari knew the struggle I had with self image and diligently prayed and shared a scripture with me from Psalm 139 that she reminded me of everyday:  I was created in God's image, fearfully and wonderfully made; He knew my days before one of them came to be and they are all written in his book; He has every hair on my head counted and His thoughts for me outnumber the grains of sand.  Like my sister did for me I will pray this for Campbell, I will remind him of this scripture ... because God did not make a mistake in creating Campbell exactly how he is he is wonderfully made.  So when kids are kids someday and someone says something ugly to him. Campbell will know God's truth about this cleft without a shadow of a doubt: that He has great plans for him and made him perfect exactly how he is ... different. Now I pray that the Lord will give me the strength and perseverance to live out His promises, even if they look different than I thought they would.

I love my feet, see the foot

Joy comes in the morning

     "Sorrow will last for a night but joy comes in the morning."  -- ancient Hebrew proverb

In the morning when I hear the cries coming from Campbell's room, I am thankful for the cry, because he is crying and the specter of SIDS is put away for another day.  But at the same time I am exhausted from being up multiple times a night ... if I could just get five more minutes.... 

This is not all Campbell's fault however, or even the fault of the other two who pitter patter down the hall in the middle of the night talking about bad dreams or bugs imagined in the bed (no we don't have bed bugs ... I wonder what Kyle will think we he learns there is such a thing!).  I have an obsession about checking on Campbell.

Whether in the middle of the night or at nap time, I have to look in on that boy.  Is he breathing?  Trusting God that Campbell is in His hands is a huge challenge for me. I know in my head and in my heart that when God wants Campbell in Glory, He will take him.  I also know now that He would somehow give me the strength and courage to handle it as well as use the experience for good, because that is what God does.  One of those truths you wish was for someone else, but once it is yours you understand that it is good.  Every time I put him down in the crib, I put my hands on him and pray for his protection, that God would charge his angels concerning Campbell's safety and most of all that he will not succumb to SIDS.  I even plead with the Lord, "God I know I just have to trust you...." 

[Wait, I have to stop and run up and check on him now.  Ok, sorry, I am back....to quote Forest Gump, "Crazy is as Crazy does."]  

I even bought one of those motion sensor monitors (the ones the pediatricians say are a waste of money), so I would not have to run up the stairs every ten minutes.  But the silly thing is going back to the store; good thing I saved the box.  One night while feeding Campbell I forgot to turn it off when I pulled him out of the crib and the alarm that can instill pure panic did not even go off!  The ceiling fan, of all things, was causing just  enough movement on the mattress to keep the alarm from sounding...ugggh. 

Do you think God is telling me something?  Asking me to surrender my fear, trust Him rather than expensive little machines (that do not work anyway).  You were right honey: just a waste of money that did not bring me peace.  God and Tim are so patient with me they let me chase my tail in a circle like a little puppy until I am so exhausted I pass out.  Then surrender. Break this pattern in me, Oh Lord.



I can pinpoint the starting point of my fear very easily.  That providential night four years ago when the Lord took my sister Kari home so suddenly.  She was 35, staying overnight with us while attending a church women's conference.  I was restlessly sleeping in the room across the hall from her. I was up about five or six times that night and every time I woke I prayed for Kari's protection and healing from her seizures.  She had her alarm set for early that morning because she and her BFF Lydia were going off to the conference.  I got up early to make one of her favorite breakfasts: biscuits, and all the trimmings.  When she didn't come down I thought, "goodness she must be in the shower, her alarm keeps going off."  When I finally decided to go in to tell her about the biscuits, her body was still there in its sleep, lifeless, but SHE was in Glory with Jesus, the lover of her soul. 

God did answer my prayer for her that night -- he healed her and he protected her -- but it just wasn't at all in the way I had wanted.  I am a little more specific now when I pray....When Tim goes on a trip and I don't just pray for the Lord to bring him home safely.  I pray the Lord would bring him home to our house in Charlotte safely.  I know the Lord has a  better plan, so much bigger than my life or what I want and pray.  I do pray that my prayers would be in line with His plan. 

[Oh yes I did ... I just ran up and checked on Campbell one more time in the last paragraph!]



I was telling a sweet friend today a story of when Kirsten was around two just after Kari had gone to her eternal rest.  Kirsten was not feeling well and napping, I was overcome by fear that the Lord would take her too, crying in my bed, praying and waiting for her to wake up.  Then I heard the whisper of the Lord say to me Kimberli, I am not going to take her from you now, I have given her to you for your sanctification.  I thought, well yes Lord she is a very spirited child (and she does keep me on my knees, still to this day).  I know this is true for Campbell as well.  Kyle was born 6 months after Kari passed and he would be what some people call a rainbow baby, always offering hope and promise.  I have two that keep me on my knees and one that caused me to remember Gods love for me and good promises.

God commands us to "be strong and courageous, do not be terrified or discouraged. God will be with you wherever you go."  I need to whisper this to myself in those weak moments of distrust.   And there, there is that hoped-for cry,  just as I am finishing the blog. Why do I distrust?


                                                                              

Just home from the hospital, and Daddy is comfy (but tired!)

Game Day ... Denard crushes the Irish again ... and I can match him smile for smile.  GO BLUE!!    

                                                                        4 months old now !!!

Unwrapping Campbell

     When you are leisurely thumbing through a magazine seeking some relaxation, are you stopped dead in your tracks by one of those Smile Train adverts? Do you stop and stare at it like a good car accident? Or do you flip past as quickly as you can; incensed that they dare interrupt your escape with the brokenness of this world.  I fell into the category of the latter, terrified of cleft palates.  I thought they were one of the most vile forms of deformities. If I came across one of those ads I would close the magazine grumbling under my breath of how thoughtless the publisher could be to sell ad space like that or allow those sorts of pictures.  The nerve of them, maybe I would donate to your cause but you don't have to show me those awful pictures.  God has a funny way of hitting you right between the eyes with those things you are so afraid of you won't even give them a thought.

     Tim and I were so excited for our third child and then, without warning, that precious one we would name Calvin passed into Glory after a short 17 weeks in utero.  Three months later I was pregnant again and I felt like it was the Lord's reward for the suffering that went with losing Calvin.  We prayed diligently and had our church family (as well as every believer we knew) praying with us for this baby to live and be healthy and strong.  Even with all the prayer, I still struggled with my thoughts of this baby passing into Glory too.

     As the twenty week ultrasound rolled around, I was still unsettled and Tim as always seemed cool as a cucumber, the reassuring rock.  The ultrasound was long and the technician was very silent, all except a comment of "I just can't get a good view of his face." After many tries she brought the doctor in to try.  We had already seen healthy organs, brain and spinal cord. I did not understand. Then they all went out to "do something" ... and came back with the geneticist. The world stopped spinning for me in that moment they told us our son most likely had a cleft lip and since they could not get a good view, they were not sure how severe it was or if it involved the palate. The tears did not stop for the next six months.  I immediately started to pray for the Lord to do a miracle and heal the baby before his due date.  Questions plagued me: haven't I been through enough for God to use me? does He really have to give me a baby with birth defect too? Moreover, a defect that was on my top five list of  I never want a baby with these problems, it is just too much for me to handle.

For the next six months I cried alone everyday, not wanting my friends and family to worry. I felt detached from this baby I was suppose to love.  I did not know if I could love him.  I was preparing to cover him up everywhere we went.  Baby shopping with a sweet friend, I was looking for stroller covers. She reminded me it would be the summertime in Charlotte and I thought then I just won't bring him out.  The months passed and my feelings did not change. As we got more  ultrasound pictures showing the cleft, I became more saddened and more desparate for the Lord to heal this baby.

On May 16, 2011 the Lord answered our prayers with a very healthy and very strong baby.  The cleft running through his lip and palete were larger than we had hoped. Now when I look back on the first pictures, I can see the pain on my face and the saddness.  Four months later I am so thankful to the Lord for this little firecracker.  I have gotten used to the cleft and his wide gappy grin.  I love that gap and I love that baby.  The Lord has also provided healing for me. I look back on how I felt and all the tears I shed and I am thankful I am not in that place now.  I can now enjoy all the wonderment of being Campbell's mommy.

Four months into this journey, Campbell does not have a birth defect: to us he is birth perfect.  Every good and perfect gift comes from above.  We thank God for him exactly how he is, beautiful.